eedback is often presented as a skill or a technique. Say the right words. Use the right framework. Follow the right steps.
And yet, feedback conversations still go wrong.
In this episode of Le Podcast on Emerging Leadership, I had the great pleasure of welcoming John Poelstra to explore a very personal experience around providing feedback and the deeper dynamics at play.
Feedback is more than a message
One of the key distinctions we explore is the difference between:
- the content of the feedback, and
- how that feedback is delivered.
What is said matters, but how it is said, and how people show up in the conversation, often matters more.
Ego, expectations, and responsibility
A large part of the conversation focuses on the role of ego in feedback.
We explore questions such as:
- what happens when feedback challenges our self-image
- how expectations and unmet needs shape our reactions
- who is responsible for the experience we have during feedback conversations
Rather than placing responsibility on one side, this episode highlights how responsibility exists on both ends of the interaction.
Feedback as a relationship
John introduces a powerful idea: feedback is not a one-off event, but part of an ongoing relationship.
The “dance” between people, their history, and how they relate to each other all influence how feedback is received and interpreted. When feedback becomes polarized or framed as a win–lose exchange, it almost always makes things worse.
Showing up differently
A recurring theme in the episode is that how you show up in a feedback conversation makes a significant difference.
Presence, intention, and curiosity often have more impact than any technique.
Further reading
During the episode, we reference the book:
The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by The Arbinger Institute
This book offers a complementary perspective on responsibility, conflict, and relationships.
A final thought
If you have ever struggled to give feedback without creating tension or defensiveness, this episode offers a deeper lens.
It invites you to move away from techniques and toward responsibility, relationship, and awareness of how you show up with others.
Le Podcast – Season Two
- Playful Leadership: Helping Others Be Their Best
- Blessed, Grateful, and Human
- Build the Right Product, with Gojko Adzic
- Hiring and Diversity Without Dropping the Bar
- Leadership and Teamwork in a Crisis
- Chief of Staff: The Role, the Craft, the Community
- Belonging, Identity, and Better Hiring,
- What Software Teams Can Learn from Sporting Teams
- Agile and Open Innovation: Building the Bridge Between Tech and Business
- Radical Focus: OKRs, Cadence, and the “Seduction of the Task”
- Human-Centric Agility Coaching: The Expert Paradox and the Ideology Paradox
- The Job of an Open Leader: Context, Trust, and Growing Others
Le Podcast – Season One
- Growing as a Software Engineer: Learning, Sharing, and Impact
- Thirteen Rules for Building Strong Teams
- OKRs in Practice: Learning, Focus, and Common Pitfalls
- The Myth of 10x Engineers: Growing Beyond Technical Skills
- The Anatomy of Peace: Leadership Starts With Who You Are
- Psychological Safety: Creating Teams Where People Can Speak Up
- Leading Distributed Teams: Collaboration Across Time Zones
- Changing Your Team from the Inside: A Practitioner’s View on Leadership
- Why Shared Language Matters: How Terms Shape Collaboration
- How (Not) to Give Feedback: Responsibility, Ego, and Relationships
- Rock Stars and Superstars: Supporting Growth Without Losing Stability
- Do Cultural Differences Really Block Agile Adoption?
- How to Create Great Goals: Using OKRs to Focus on Impact
- Making Change from the Inside: Leadership Beyond Management Roles
- How to Form a Cross-Functional Team That Actually Works
