{"id":5497,"date":"2026-01-08T03:11:17","date_gmt":"2026-01-08T08:11:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog-alexis.monville.com\/en\/?p=5497"},"modified":"2026-01-08T03:11:17","modified_gmt":"2026-01-08T08:11:17","slug":"anger-is-not-the-problem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog-alexis.monville.com\/en\/2026\/01\/08\/anger-is-not-the-problem\/","title":{"rendered":"Anger is not the problem"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Anger is one of those emotions we\u2019re taught<\/em> to see as bad, unproductive, or destructive. We learn to calm down, to let it go, to avoid it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what if that instinctive rejection of anger is actually making us less effective as leaders, as coaches, and as human beings?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is where the work of Phil Stutz<\/strong>, the psychiatrist and author, gives us a powerful reframe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stutz is known for his long career in therapy (he began working as a psychiatrist in New York and later in Los Angeles) and for co-authoring books like The Tools<\/em> and Coming Alive<\/em>. More recently, his short essays were collected in Lessons for Living: What Only Adversity Can Teach You<\/em>, a book full of reflections on real human challenges, including one titled The Positive Side of Anger<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anger as a Signal, Not a Problem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Stutz doesn\u2019t dismiss anger. He doesn\u2019t see it as a flaw in character or something to be sublimated or ignored. Instead, he treats anger as information<\/strong>: a powerful emotional signal that something important is being violated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we feel angry, Stutz suggests, it is because something deeply matters to us. It\u2019s a boundary signal<\/em>, a marker that a value has been crossed or a personal standard has been ignored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The trouble doesn\u2019t come from the anger itself, but from how we respond<\/em> to it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  • If we suppress<\/strong> anger, it often turns inward as depression, apathy, cynicism, or self-criticism.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • If we explode<\/strong> with it without reflection, it becomes blame and conflict.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • If we instead own the anger and clarify what it is protecting<\/strong>, it becomes energy for change.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Stutz\u2019s approach here is subtle but powerful: anger is not the problem, mismanaging it is.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Why Anger Is Useful<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    There are three important truths about anger that come through in Stutz\u2019s writing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. Anger pinpoints what matters most.<\/strong>
      It\u2019s not noise. It\u2019s a directional signal that something significant for your identity or values is at stake.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. Anger holds energy.<\/strong>
      Rather than draining us, when we own<\/em> anger and interpret it accurately, it becomes fuel for clarity, resolve and action.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    3. Anger is a stepping stone, not a destination.<\/strong>
      The aim is not to indulge anger, but to use it to uncover what needs to change and then move toward that change with intention.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      In this sense, anger cleans the lens<\/em> through which we see a problem. It helps us see beyond surface discomfort to structural issues like unmet expectations, crossed boundaries, or values under threat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      How This Applies to Leadership and Work<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      In organizational life, anger often shows up:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \n
      • when leaders are exhausted by repeated blocks,<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      • when teams feel undervalued,<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      • when stakeholders ignore boundaries,<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      • or when performance feels misaligned with values.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        Too often, leaders either minimize<\/em> anger or react<\/em> to it without reflection. The result? Resentment, turnover, disengagement, burnout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Stutz\u2019s perspective gives leaders a different path: Use anger as a compass.<\/strong>
        <\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n
        • What boundary is being crossed?<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
        • What value is being violated?<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
        • What concrete action would protect that value?<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

          This shifts anger from a reactive emotion to a source of agency<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The Broader Stutz Framework: Adversity as Growth<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          Stutz\u2019s book isn\u2019t just about anger. Lessons for Living<\/em> is structured as a series of essays on universal human challenges: envy, insecurity, bad habits, conflict, and yes, anger. What unifies them is a deep conviction that adversity is not a sign of failure but a teacher<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Rather than trying to avoid pain or conflict, Stutz invites us to face these experiences with curiosity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          A Practical Takeaway<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          Here\u2019s a simple reframing you can use immediately \u2014 for yourself, or with a client:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n

          Anger is not the enemy. Anger is the part of you that still knows what matters and refuses to give up.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

          That\u2019s not a dismissal of discomfort. It\u2019s an invitation to listen<\/em> to what\u2019s being said beneath the emotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          In Practice: A Short Coaching Prompt<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          When someone says \u201cI\u2019m angry\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            \n
          1. Pause and validate<\/strong> \u201cAnger tells us something matters here.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
          2. Ask the deeper question<\/strong> \u201cWhat boundary feels crossed?\u201d or \u201cWhat value is being defended?\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
          3. Solicit concrete action<\/strong> \u201cWhat is the smallest next step that honors that value?\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
          4. Move toward ownership<\/strong> \u201cWhat part of this is in your control right now?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

            This turns anger from a stumbling block<\/em> into a stepping stone<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

            Anger is one of those emotions we\u2019re taught to see as bad, unproductive, or destructive. We learn to calm down, to let it go, to avoid it. But what if that instinctive rejection of anger is actually making us less effective as leaders, as coaches, and as human beings? This is where the work of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5498,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/blog-alexis.monville.com\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/2\/2026\/01\/curated-lifestyle-VKC0CMAhDtc-unsplash.jpg?fit=1920%2C1319&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paNjQG-1qF","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":415,"url":"https:\/\/blog-alexis.monville.com\/en\/2023\/09\/11\/unlock-the-power-of-nonviolent-communication\/","url_meta":{"origin":5497,"position":0},"title":"Unlock the Power of Nonviolent Communication","author":"Alexis","date":"September 11, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"In a world where misunderstandings can escalate quickly, mastering the art of Nonviolent Communication can be a game-changer. 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