I was on stage in Lyon last week at the Tech’Work conference, talking about a concept that radically shifts how we build teams.
We were discussing the “Above the Line / Below the Line” framework. When we are below the line, we are in survival mode: defensive, closed, and committed to being right. This is biology, not a character flaw. It’s normal. But when we pause, breathe, and step above the line, we choose a conscious response: open, curious, and committed to learning.
The audience was highly engaged, mapping out the behaviors of both states. But during the interactive session, two brutally honest comments from the audience hit the floor like lead weights:
- “Too much empathy is bad because you just end up doing all the work in place of other people.”
- “Some people just don’t want to take responsibility.”
You can practically hear the exhaustion and resentment dripping from those statements. If you’ve ever led a team, you’ve probably felt both. We are told to be “empathetic” and “empowering,” but the reality often feels like we are just babysitting.
So, what is the signal hidden in this frustration?
The Source: The Drama Triangle and Unconscious Commitments
To unpack this, we need to look at two heavy-hitting psychological models.
First is the Karpman Drama Triangle. When we drop below the line, we often fall into three roles: the Victim (powerless), the Persecutor (blaming), or the Rescuer (saving the day).
Second is the concept of Unconscious Commitments from the Conscious Leadership Group. Often, the outcomes we complain about the most are the exact outcomes our hidden behaviors are perfectly designed to create.
The Reframe: Friction as a Signal
When we complain about empathy and responsibility, we are misdiagnosing the problem. Here is the reframe:
The Empathy Trap is actually a Boundary Problem. When the leader in Lyon said, “Too much empathy means I do all the work,” they were describing the Rescuer role, not empathy. Empathy is understanding someone’s struggle. Rescuing is doing their work for them to alleviate your own discomfort with their struggle. Over-functioning for your team isn’t a surplus of caring; it is a deficit of boundaries.
The Responsibility Myth is actually a Mirror. When we declare, “Some people just don’t want to take responsibility,” we have slipped into the Victim role. We are blaming their character rather than looking at the system. The hard, transformative truth is recognizing our own unconscious commitment to the dynamic. If your team isn’t stepping up, what is the payoff for you? Often, it’s the ego-boost of being the “indispensable fixer.”
Leadership Application: Evolving the System
Leadership is a property of the system, not a personality trait. If people aren’t exhibiting leadership, the system is actively preventing it.
To create the conditions for leadership to emerge, you have to stop playing the Rescuer. Yes, some individuals, bruised by previous micromanagers or toxic cultures, will need time to trust that taking a risk won’t get them fired. They need proof.
But you cannot provide that proof if you keep doing their work. You have to step back, establish firm boundaries, and allow them to feel the natural friction of their role. You must accept that an old version of your leadership, the one that swooped in to save the day, is no longer useful. It got you here, but it is actively sabotaging your team’s growth for the future.
A Practical Takeaway
Empathy without boundaries is just enabling. You cannot rescue someone into taking responsibility.
The Coaching Prompt
Grab a notebook or open a blank document, and ask yourself these questions about your current team dynamics:
- Where am I confusing empathy with doing the work for someone else?
- If I am complaining that my team won’t take ownership, what is my unconscious commitment to being the “fixer”?
- What is the “payoff” I get from a team that constantly needs my help?
- What is one clear boundary I can set today to shift the system from enabling to empowering?
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